Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
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“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Thoughts
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening