I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
You Might Also Like
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.