The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
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Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS