Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
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Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
If my husband doesn鈥檛 start helping with the housework soon, we鈥檒l need a crime scene cleaning crew.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn鈥檛 responding
Today鈥檚 spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life鈥檚 woes with a delightful sheep ride
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.