[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
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me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming