American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
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A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.