Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
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Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it