You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
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her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???