i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
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I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Body by sandwich.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.