*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
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If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
This will never not be funny 😭
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”