Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
You Might Also Like
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it