Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
You Might Also Like
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
August 8
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.