Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
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I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle