It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
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Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.