Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
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Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied