Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
You Might Also Like
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
set yourself free xox
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
“How’s your day going?”
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.