Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
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Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item