When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
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I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
“what that mouth do?” complain
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
This is a true ally.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
yall want some gasoline milk
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue