professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
You Might Also Like
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.