Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
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pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.