Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
You Might Also Like
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
…..pretty much.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF