My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
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Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
They’re called werewolves.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.