Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
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*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
We avoided this particular disaster
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.