My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
You Might Also Like
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
dutch is not a serious language
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”