Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
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*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.