it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
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cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
starting a garage orchestra
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters