It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
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Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.