My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
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My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else