GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
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I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?