*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
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a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
*Do you wish to send?
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*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function