Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
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sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…