Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
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Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Me, flirting😏
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)