My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
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me
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Is this a threat?
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.