Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
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TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
This did not end as expected.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
i choose….tongue
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
What the hell is going on?
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.