ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
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My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news