wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
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[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
sugar glider wrangler
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
yea so i messed up lol
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
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Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK