me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
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I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes