#parenting
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As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
see you in hell you stupid fruit
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Oh. My. God.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.