me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
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[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.