My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
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(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.