Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
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Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
We’ve all been there
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.