But that’s none of my business
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I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.