[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
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People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
necessity is the mother of invention
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.