[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
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Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
2022: I can fix it
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
first you must answer his riddles
Weighing up my bread heating options
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
this is the best interaction on twitter