Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
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If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Every work call, he judges.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting