Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
You Might Also Like
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
I have never related to anyone more.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
same vibe as tangled headphones
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
this is so top tier i cant
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
This is not me but this is me