Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
You Might Also Like
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not