“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
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My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
All. The. Damn. Time.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano