HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
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I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
But is it really??
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.