Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
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My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Dear Lord..
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.